The 27 July edition of the Pegasus NLP Newsletter

Why do they do it?

It's one of life’s conundrums. Why is it so hard to change negative or unuseful behaviours? Even when we know they are not good for us?

For instance, why do people carry on with self-destructive habits? Why are these so hard to shake off? Why do people ignore good advice and carry on in the same old way? Why do children misbehave when they know they'll be punished?

Why do people ignore perfectly good advice? Why do people ignore "rules" at work - and keep coming back with the same problems in their performance appraisals?

The list can go on and on…

Strange behaviour

In the early seventies, when I lived in South London, there was an elderly man who had his spot in a particular tunnel leading out from Piccadilly Circus Underground station. It seemed that whenever I went 'up West', a common term then for visiting the West End, he'd be there.

He was unmissable because every few seconds he'd shout 'stop' or 'shut up' very loudly – and his voice really did echo and reverberate in that tunnel. He didn't look at anyone when he was shouting – he just stood with his back to the wall staring at the opposite wall.

What’s going on

His behaviour fascinated me. For a long time I wondered why he did it - in the sense of what was behind the behaviour, what it was doing for him, what role did it play in his life?

A few years later when I began studying NLP I found a potential answer to this conundrum in the NLP principle "every behaviour has a positive intention". Now, like a lot of NLP terms, this isn't immediately self-explanatory. But what it boils down to is that each of our habits of behaviours fulfils a role in our life. It fulfils, or is driven by, an inner need.

The 'role' of the behaviour

Our habitual activities enable us to feel good feelings or avoid feeling bad ones. (Incidentally, they can also be driven by our beliefs or our self esteem). Of course, we're rarely conscious of these inner drivers. We ‘automatically’ do the behaviour - and carry on doing it even though it will sometimes have unhelpful side-effects.

Jean enjoys horse-riding or cycling or smoking cigarettes because she finds such activities enable her to feel good or avoid feeling bad.

Peter likes photography or working all hours at his job or eating too much for similar reasons.

Seven-year-old Tanya throws a tantrum because her sister is getting more attention than she is. The tantrum is a way of fulfilling the need to get attention – even if the attention is a scolding.

13-year-old Charlie is constantly in trouble with the police because of his antisocial behaviour - it’s his way of fulfilling the need for excitement or respect from his friends.

Ignoring perfectly good advice

It's so easy, isn't it, to see the errors in these behaviours and in the behaviours of our friends, family and colleagues.

We see how what they are doing isn't good for them and, because we care, we carefully explain this to them so that they will change their ways. Does it work? Very rarely.

So we try again, becoming more forceful in our advice giving and admonitions. And still they carry on in the old ways. And, again because we really care about them, we begin haranguing them - and then get accused of "nagging".

Ignoring our own advice

It’s not just others who have such unuseful habits. It occurs in our own lives, too. We recognise we drive too fast, are untidy, don’t take enough exercise, procrastinate, etc. Yet we carry on despite the obvious downsides.

What could be the drivers or the payoffs of such behaviours?:

Driving too fast can be a way of enjoying excitement, feeling powerful, getting a sense of self esteem for having a slightly faster car, etc.

Untidiness can be a way of being relaxed on certain ares of our lives, of chilling out, of not being too obsessive. The same can apply to not exercising – and procrastinating.

So why do we ignore good advice?

This fascinating process, which we explore in our NLP Core Skills course, works like this: the so-called negative or unuseful behaviour is currently the only way I know of avoiding bad feelings or of feeling good ones.

Now I’ll rarely have worked this through consciously - it's “just a feeling". It’s a mental and emotional programme which runs in the background and is very, very powerful.

And you (the friend, partner, boss, police officer, parent, teacher, etc) can complain, cajole, harangue, threaten, punish, or plead as much as you like - it's not going to change anything except maybe in the very short term.

Why? Because what others perceive as a "negative behaviour" has worked for me for a long time and I'm not giving it up until something better comes along - and that's something that I don't expect to happen.

Yes, of course, I know there are side effects. But it's a "swings and roundabouts" thing in which the benefits outweigh the drawbacks - and it works for me!

The implications

This simple-but-powerful concept has huge indications for anyone who seeks to influence others. Most "people influencers" have a rather touching belief that advice-giving works – despite endlessly being shown that it rarely works, except in the short term.

But they keep on doing it!

The solution?

1. Stop advice giving. Not only does it not work but it frequently has negative consequences. For, example, the more you advise somebody to stop doing something, which emotionally they are unable to stop, the more they are likely to defend doing it - or feel guilty about their inability to follow your advice!

2. Coach the person in identifying all of the feelings (i.e. values) which their current negative behaviour is enabling them to feel or avoid feeling. Then help them find more constructive ways of fulfilling each of these values.

Solution No. 2 is simple to describe but does require a certain amount of skill and, more importantly, a huge amount of patience backed up by the ability to refrain from advice giving or pressurising.

You can visit the related article on the Pegasus NLP Blog.

© 2010 Reg Connolly & Pegasus NLP

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