Using stress to motivate An NLP look at avoiding regret Many years ago I came across a poem called ‘If I Had My Life to Live Over’ written, apparently, by an 85-year-old woman called Nadine Stair. In it she talks of all the things she would do if she had a second chance and it ends: I would go barefoot earlier in the spring
and stay that way later in the fall.
I would go to more dances.
I would ride more merry-go-rounds.
I would pick more daisies.- Banning adventure Like the people who first showed me this poem I found it wonderful and inspirational. That is, until it was pointed out to me by a less romantic and more down-to-earth friend, that it's actually quite tragic! Here is this woman who, after spending 85 years on this earth, is looking back at all the things she could have done and did not do! It's a poem of regret. She’s slipped into -if only- mode - if only I had done this, if only I had not done that etc. (Incidentally, it’s unlikely that the poem was written by the 85-year-old woman. Most likely it is based on an article by author and humourist Don Herold which was published in Reader's Digest October 1953 when he was a mere 64. ) -If only- and regret For about 18 years I ran stress management groups and had an individual counselling and coaching private practice. I met and worked with thousands of people and want used to really impress me were those not-uncommon moments when elderly people would sigh and say -if only I had done this - if only I had seized this opportunity - if only I had acted instead of hesitated! But... It's too late now…- Occasionally it was, indeed, a bit too late. And often we were able to devise ways of enabling them to realise their dream – or, at least, a modified version of it. But those peoples ‘if only’ moments impressed on me the importance of not acting as if we have unlimited time. Their sense of missed opportunities, their sadness, and their sense of regret motivated me to ensure that I didn't go the same way. They provided me with what in NLP we call an away-from motivation to not do as they did. Let's do that…. one day… You see many of us, when we are young or even into middle age, act as if we have all the time in the world. So we squander this time – thinking we'll ‘get around to’ having a great life one day - at some undetermined point in the future. And most people probably never do get around to it - because their future is always in the future. What we do today is creating the future In using NLP to model people who live successful lives one trait that I have noticed again and again is that they have are very clear about the present-future relationship. They have a very clear appreciation of the connection between the present and the future. They see that what they are doing right now is creating their future. They aren't waiting till next week or next month to begin having a great future. They know that it's what they are doing, rather than what they are going to do, that is creating their future. Compare this with how the majority of people think about their dreams for a great future. Rather than go for it and just do it they talk themselves out of taking action… No, really, I am going to begin living my dream… one day soon… …when the time is right… …when I have a little more spare time… … when the children have started school … when the children have finished school ….when the work pressure has eased … when we moved house … when we decorate the new house … when we’ve built the new conservatory …when we have more money …when I’m financially secure …when I retire …when my health improves… Yes, but…. It's so easy to talk oneself out of things, isn't it. It's so easy to rationalise staying in our Comfort Zone. So easy to switch off our minds to life's little opportunities and, instead, to opt for the safer choice of watching the telly or reading a book. (See the newsletter articles on Procrastination). There are always good reasons for not acting right now. We may call this being cautious or being in information-gathering mode or being realistic or taking a strategic approach. And sometimes these alibis are realistic and true. And often we are simply deluding ourselves. Have a dream Many people are living their lives in order to have things. They want to have things because they believe that having these things will give them the feelings they want. And, of course, that's what the marketing and advertising people want them to believe. But there is a short cut, and one that might not necessarily involve as much expense... Think about how you want your life to be in, say, five years time. Now, instead of thinking of what you want to be doing or owning or having, how about thinking about how you want to be feeling in this future vision for your life. In other words, think about which values you want to be fulfilling. And use these feelings or values as your guide for building your dream or vision for your future. Action Points - Think of all those great plans or dreams that you have or have had. Imagine it's near the end of your life and that they're still just dreams - how would that feel?
- Make a decision that you are not moving into such a future of regret.
- Decide that you will begin prioritising your dreams - prioritising the future you really want.
- Look at how you currently manage to prioritise other things, instead.
- Remind yourself that your future is being created by what you have been doing today.
- Review today and consider the future that you have been creating so far today. Is this the future you really want?
- Identify what you can do during the rest of today and during the next few days which will begin taking you towards your dream.
- Do it.
The final episode of the great TV comedy series ‘Frasier’ was broadcast in the UK In September 2004. At the end of the programme Frasier, as the psychiatrist radio presenter, tells his listeners -what we regret most are the chances we never took. It’s a thought, isn't it? To receive our free newsletter subscribe here © 2000-2008 Reg Connolly - copyrighted, all rights reserved - but you can freely pass this newsletter on to friends as long as you do so in its entirety, include this message and link: http://www.nlp-now.co.uk. Please contact us for written permission if you would like to reproduce this article in your own newsletter, literature or web publication. | 
