Dealing with Negative Self-Talk (2nd of 3 articles)

From our free The Pegasus NLP Newsletter

Negative Self-Talk – Reduce it!

NLP enables us to 'model' or figure out the precise mental steps which people go through in order to do things – as well as their attitude in doing them.

So if we use NLP to model the skills of people who are especially effective in dealing with life’s stresses we find that they are usually very good at managing their thinking. While they will usually have as much, if not more, to cope with as the rest of us they will use different mental strategies. This Pegasus NLP Newsletter Special Series details some of these strategies including, in particular, how to effectively manage one’s self talk.

What are you thinking about?

If you were to make a list right now of every not-so-good thing that you currently tend to think about - the things about which you feel irritated or apprehensive, that you have put off doing, that you are trying not to think about, and so on - how many items will be on your list?  5?  10?  20?  50?  More???

Very few of us could accurately estimate the number, let alone the details. Yet each of these items is potentially eating up our energy and our peace of mind.

Hey, you can't relax right now!

We have all had the experience in which, the moment we begin to feel relaxed and at ease, it's as if there's a little voice in our head which begins

• You haven't done that yet, have you?
• You haven't finished that!
• What if this happened?
• Remember how annoyed you are about that!
• You can't relax - right now – there’s too much to be dealt with!

And off you go, on the negative thinking merry-go-round. You begin thinking about one negative or unpleasant topic and that leads into another and another and another.  And minutes later the relaxed and at ease feeling has been replaced with tension or irritability or impatience or frustration!  Yet again, we have talked ourselves out of the good feeling.

Sometimes it’s the disorder or confusion!

Sometimes there are so many things going on in our lives, so many loose ends, so many bits of unfinished business, so many things to be dealt with, that a lot of our thinking -- and our energy -- is taken up with simply trying to keep track of everything.

Our mental filing system is in disarray – often to such an extent that we recycle endlessly through the topics, day or night, becoming more and more uptight or panicky.

It’s daft…

It's plain daft trying to mentally keep track of 5, 10 or more items.  For a start it uses a lot of energy.  And, in a constantly changing world, the items on our mental list will also be changing in detail or in importance -- so we have to keep recycling through them to update them. And then there’s the need to keep going over the mental list to ensure we're not forgetting anything.

…and it leads to awfulising

Awfulising occurs when the emotions attached to one negative topic contaminate our thinking about the next one which, in turn, contaminates our thinking about the next one after that.

A few days of this kind of thinking can set your head whirling; a few weeks of it is pretty well guaranteed to undermine your confidence, raise your blood pressure, sap your energy, make you appear to others to be continually preoccupied and distant, create a high level of anxiety or frustration or anger, and ensure that you are not much fun for people to be around!

The key is this "contaminating"! It's quite likely that, taken one by one, the topics can be kept in perspective and dealt with in a reasonably competent or objective manner. But when they’re swirling about inside our heads the feelings about each contaminate the others in a cumulative manner.

Use pen and paper to avoid ‘awfulising’

Instead of trying to keep everything in your head make things easy for yourself by using a pen and paper.  (No, this is not yet another "to-do list", although, properly used, these can be effective).  We’re talking here about using pen and paper to coach your brain into preventing unrelated items from contaminating each other.

The idea is to

(1) compartmentalise the thoughts and feelings about the different worrying or irritating topics

(2) have less need to be "going over things" inside your head - because it's all clearly on paper

Taking action: Using Boxes

1. Begin making a list of all the "negatives".  Take a couple of days to do this and list every topic that you find yourself thinking about that is in any way unpleasant.  Everything!  Major items and trivia.  Things in your own life and in the lives of others.  Realistic or unrealistic. Any time you find yourself thinking in a negative way notice what you thinking about and add that to the list.

2. After you have been doing this for a few days you should have a pretty long list.  So set aside an hour or two when you will not be disturbed to do the Step 2.

3. Get a few sheets of paper - the larger the better - plus a pen and a broad-tipped black marker. You are now going to create a ‘visual’ of all of the things you tend to think about in a negative way.    

4. One at a time write the name of a negative topic on the Boxes Sheet. Then use the marker to put a thick black box around it.  The thick black box is a visual reminder to keep that topic from being contaminated by the others!

5. Continue until everything, whether major or trivial, is in its own box, Now step back and view your work. And remind yourself how much better it will be to have all that stuff on paper, and in boxes, rather than swirling about in your head! If possible, place your sheet or sheets on the wall where you can see them every day.

6. It's quite likely that over the next few days further topics will occur to you.  No problem, simply add them to the Boxes Sheet too.

Dealing with Negative Self Talk No. 1

Dealing with Negative Self Talk No. 3

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